Mar 27, 2019
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Before I Do (Part 4)

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Let me say this emphatically,

DON’T STAND ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU CAN CHANGE ONE ANOTHER’S MIND DOWN THE ROAD TO SUIT YOUR OWN DESIRES.

Let me say this emphatically, DON’T STAND ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU CAN CHANGE ONE ANOTHER’S MIND DOWN THE ROAD TO SUIT YOUR OWN DESIRES.

It’s healthier to know “Before I DO” if there’s something between you that could level your relationship once the covenant has been established. There is not only one course of action to take if you find that you are incompatible or have very different views. Realizing that you conflict with one another in any of these areas doesn’t necessarily call for an immediate end to your relationship or your engagement, but it does call for a deep dive into the issues. I suggest that you tackle them before you say I do, rather than putting them off until after the wedding.

As a pre-marriage educator, my work is to help you start these conversations and navigate them successfully. Also, help identify areas in your life where you’re compatible and areas where you’re not. Then, you can work together to strengthen your relationship as you get to know one another better.

Having a heart to heart conversation during your courtship period before you take the leap into the lifelong covenant of marriage is the healthiest gift you can both give each other.

Stir up a conversation by asking if both of you want to have children someday. That sounds weird, right? In as much as procreation is one of the benefits of marriage, it does not infer that everyone will want to birth a child due to whatever reason. Some might say adoption is best for them.  The bottom line is; what is each of your vision for the family you are about building together? If one of you very much wants children, but the other doesn’t want to have or if your desires for children are extremely incompatible, you could be in for major heartache. What if there is a fertility issue, will your love for each other weather the storm? Discuss and be open with each other while doing so.

Consider your mindset before you say I DO.

The bible says “as a man thinketh, so is he”. You are what you think you are.

We see through our minds not really through the eyes. The image we form in our mind is what we display by a show of who we become in life. Mindset is a function of as far and as wide the eyes of your mind can see. Your mindset is the lens through which you view the world.

If your mindsets clash with one another, it may be very difficult to face life’s ups and downs together.

Is the glass half empty, or is it half full? How does each of you approach the world–with optimism, pessimism, or realism? It’s going to be hard to fold the arms and fight the battles that you’ll unavoidably encounter in life if you view the world through a positive, optimistic lens, and your partner views the world through a negative, pessimistic lens (or vice versa). Listen to and observe one another; ask each other questions in order to get a good idea of one another’s mindset. This way, you are saving your marriage before walking down the aisle

What’s most important to each of you?

You’ll discover that the everyday priorities you hold will tell you both a lot about each other. Determine whether your priorities align, or whether they might cause conflict in a marriage situation.

Articulating priorities is not sufficient; you must watch one another’s actions in order to decipher for yourselves what things take precedence in your life. It’s not easy to forestall challenges you might face in the future when romance is blooming, but conflicting priorities in a marriage will quickly send you down a path you won’t want to follow.

I will conclude with this question: Do you have God’s word for the journey you are about to embark on?

It is not sufficient to have considered so many things and not ponder on this one critical thing. Curveballs will be thrown at you to test all things, affection for each other may shake but one thing remains unshakeable and that is God’s word.

I am not ashamed to say I love God and He loves me. He knew me before I was born and I knew if I did not get it right in marriage, I am doomed. I got two scriptural verses before my husband and I started our relationship and before the actual wedding.

When we were preparing for our wedding, I saw a thing that was not in alignment with the words God gave me. Then, I went back to Him and reminded Him of what He said. Two months before the wedding day, the one that is ever true to His words, the God that can and will always do what He says, fixed the situation.

It is not too late to go to the Vice-chancellor of Marriage Institute to get your sure words of prophecy.

This is the best way to save your marriage before it starts.

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For better for worse

 When you were born into your family, you knew not what the future of the family holds. Through the thick and thin of your growing up, you never changed or denied that you came from this family. Yes, you did not choose to be in that family but eventually, here you are. And now you are forever bound to be in that family.

Likewise, marriage is likened to this and on your wedding day, you are totally oblivious of what tomorrow holds for you. The only institution you get a certificate before you enroll in the school. Through the thick and thin, you should remain.

During the vows on your wedding day, with all smiles and happiness, you can’t believe this, but you made the vow that for better for worse you will be with this person, stand by this person, go through life with this person never do ill to this person.

Therefore, for the singles, I will rather say, choose your life partner carefully. If the Bible says he that finds a wife find a good thing, then your finding must be good. You have to choose to be patient enough to find that which is “YOUR” own version of Good.

To the engaged and already married couples, Commitment is the name of the game in marriage and commitment is doing what you vowed to do long after your vow

For better for worse is a function of commitment. Same way you are committed to your family when all was well and otherwise, you should be committed to your marriage as well.

Each party’s level of commitment will determine how they will pull through whatever it is they are going through. In marriage, there cannot be a mutual benefit without mutual commitment.

For instance, if the two are committed, they should be able to have a reasonable conversation on how to solve the cooking situation if that poses an issue. The lady can present her case before her husband and state how she has been committed all the years to grinding, pounding, etc and if the man too is willing to hold their home, he should give it a thought.

Above all, the heart of a man is in God’s hand and He directs it to wherever He pleases. Before calling for the heart to heart talk, discuss it with God, get a note of victory, then go ahead in a respectful manner and present your case to your husband/wife as the situation deems it.

Here is a personal testimony on this. I once had a sensitive situation that I wanted to handle it by myself. I knew it could generate more issues so I decided to pray about it. It was like God wasn’t coming through on that matter but I held unto Him. Then we had a communion service in Church and I prayed to God about it before I took the communion. That night, my husband by himself called me to discuss it and that was how God came through for me.

Marriage is such a tender baby that must be nurtured carefully but you can’t do it if you have the attitude of “I shan’t agree”

You must be willing to look beyond your mindset and opinions and discuss the matter with your spouse so as to help him/her better understand you but never force your opinion on your spouse. Give him/her the time to grow into it. That way, when risks need to be taken, you will have the backing of your better half in the matter.

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Nike Adigun, The Pre-marriage Educator is a career HR generalist. She is also the founder & CEO of MyNaked, a game changer place for Marriage Education. Nike Adigun is a certified HR practitioner, Emotional Intelligence Performer, Relationship Assessment Facilitator and also a certified Marriage Mentor. She is passionate about God, family and giving couples a smart start in building a solid marriage relationship in a godly way. She is happily married to the crown on her head.

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