Mar 27, 2019
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The Unwanted Wife

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He saw her, loved her, proposed to her and now unwanted? What then happened to the love, attraction, beauty, and chemistry that drew her to him in the first place? What went wrong and how? What changed or who changed? Is woman independent of man? Why the unwanted wife and not the unwanted husband?

These and many more questions ran through my mind when the unwanted wife dropped in my spirit as a topic.

I began looking into what unwanted means.

It means; not wanted, undesired, no longer interested, something you don’t want again, no longer pleasing etc. If I don’t want it again, then there must be a reason behind it.

One unbroken truth is the fact that God ordained marriage. At the same time, a lifelong relationship moves from known to unknown then known. Have you ever asked this question “is this the person I married?”

I see this as a wakeup call to us all that, “I love you; you’re beautiful, you’re intelligent, and all, are not enough for anyone to sustain marriage; the reality is upon us now as we see that the once upon a time loving husband is afraid of the home/woman he once love running to. To hold your marriage is far more than beauty or brain. It takes understanding, commitment, tolerance, self-giving, adaptation, and unbreakable effort.

Wives are known to be homemakers, they have the God-given power to build from scratch- with them lies the womb-they are pregnant with great ideas on how to build, they incubate the ideas and birth it to reality and they nurture it. Wives are powerful more than they can imagine. However, we need to constantly hark back to the fact that we were first women before becoming wives.

As a woman, you possess the ability to inspire, persuade, love, understand, support, you have organizational skills, you can multitask and so many more. We walked down the aisle with these and more and we became wives.

Becoming a wife is a calling. A call to be your husband’s helper. To assist in obeying God’s word, to produce the next generation, to offer comfort and fellowship, and to provide encouragement and inspiration. Therefore, as a woman, prepare yourself for this call. Do not rush into marriage or go into it with the mind-set of assumptions.

Anais Nin said- “we have been poisoned by fairy tales”. Please don’t be caught in this web. Divorce/separation rate is rising. Perhaps if you prepare yourself now by getting pre-marriage education, your chances of marital success and fulfillment will increase. For more on pre-marriage education, do not hesitate to contact us.

Remember the story of the 10 virgins. They all desired to see Jesus but not all of them prepared to see him. One thing is to desire a blissful marriage; another is to prepare for it. In all your getting, get an understanding of what might be ahead of you.

In the same vein, the married couple should consider getting a marriage mentor. Marriage mentoring works and is doable. More so, it is biblical. Marriage Mentoring is a clear example of what Paul called “empowering the laity” (Ephesians 4:12)

Becoming “the unwanted” person in a lifelong relationship is a sign that marital satisfaction is declining gradually or has declined. This is a call to self-awareness as knowledge of self is crucial in self-management. Discovering yourself will help in knowing how to adjust or what to work on. I always say that awareness is curative.

“You can’t change your spouse but you can change yourself”

Most of the time, our inability to read the handwriting on the wall leads to marital burnout and breakdown and then “the unwanted story”.

A woman could become an unwanted wife in several ways but let’s consider the following:

–    Association

–    Intimacy mismanagement

–    Trust mismanagement

Association: As a wife, who are you surrounded with? Who is influencing your marriage? Intruders can make couple’s love turn sours. Deep calls to deep.

Unconsciously, some wives opened the door of their marriages to another wife with a dwindling marriage. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas.

Association could be with your family. This might be a bitter pill for some to swallow but it is real. As long as the family is having a bad influence on you and your home, you need to flee from them. By hanging out with the wrong set of people, you might start comparing your husband with theirs and by so doing; there will be a misplaced priority.

Never forget we all are unique. Who says those you’re hanging out with do not desire your husband? The heart of man is desperately wicked, who can know it. It could also lead to you disrespecting your husband and this can provoke anger.

A disrespectful woman is an unwanted wife. She will never bring honor to her husband.

An unwanted wife is that unsubmissive wife and an unsubmissive wife will surely nag. No man can withstand a nagging wife. 

The most intimate relationship is marriage. Husband and wife are to grow to be lovers and best friends. Husband is to love the wife and the wife responding by respecting her husband and submitting. But a nagging woman says, “I will neither respond to your love nor respect you” The joys of intimate companionship are non-existent with such a wife. A nagging wife makes life in the home miserable.

Rid yourself today of toxic people in your life and you will see a new turn in your marriage. Learn how to shut the door against whoever is a bad influence over you irrespective of their status – family or friends.

Intimacy mismanagement: When was the last time you looked attractive for your husband? When was the last time you expressed yourself to your spouse as a woman? Or it has to be him all the time.

Oh, I forgot, the children, the kitchen, work, and no time for attractive looking again…hum, what’s your excuse? There’s no doubt about the fact that all these will creep in at some point but you have to weigh which is most important out of many responsibilities as it helps to pinpoint where to exert energy. Your lifelong relationship will shake if you continue with the present sexual state in your marriage. God forbid you said.  I hope you know your intention will be a debatable subject if it happens. “A lack of intendment is irrelevant if we start playing with fire and end up arsonous”

Your husband does not only need your ability, he needs your availability as well. Although availability differs from person to person

Some husbands resorted to masturbating because their wives denied them of sex. Yes, some could be that pressured. To some, he needs you to be more active sex wise, some want to communicate more, some want time out alone with you, some want…. fill in the gap.

Few people walked down the aisle with beliefs that sex is only for procreation. Oh, you think not this age and time? A lot happens behind closed door o.  Imagine this: “If the totality of children you want is 2, does it mean that by age 36 your husband is done with sex for life? If he lives to be 90, and we pray God gives him long life, he has 54 years of mental distress ahead of him. He might as well become celibate”

You bet don’t have an idea that your belief of sex only for procreation is frustrating your husband. I have heard about sex timetable too. How ridiculous can this be? Woman, shift your standpoint towards pleasure and stop being selfish. Intimacy is to be enjoyed by husband and wife because the most intimate relationship on earth is the union between man (husband) & woman (wife).

The thief has come not only to steal but to kill as well. In the same vein, intimacy mismanagement will not only steal the joy of the union meant to be enjoyed but also destroy the marriage in the process. Sexual intercourse between husband and wife is a gift from God and it can be a defense against temptation.

Intimacy mismanagement here is the mind. It all starts with your mind… I don’t think I’m in the mood, I don’t even want him tonight, I don’t think I can stand him in me not after what he did, I think I’m tired, I think we can pass tonight, I don’t think my body is appealing to him again, I think sex is filthy, I think it is his duty to initiate sex, ….it’s all in the mind and the good thing is, you have the power of choice to choose your thought pattern.

Your thought will affect your feelings and hence reflect on your action. Our minds are so powerful that it manifest itself however we program it. It can keep you inhibited or displeased sex-wise. Thoughts should be channeled appropriately. You have to resist those negative thoughts by creating a new thought pattern. Don’t get enslaved by your thoughts. 

If you think it is your weight, get fit. If you think you’re not appealing again, have a conversation with him to cross check your state of mind. Remember, he didn’t tell you but your mind did. If you think you’re overwhelmed with managing the house, talk with him.

The best of marriages is the one where both husband and wife understand themselves. Build the communication channel between you and your spouse.

Woman, invest in you. Invest your time, resources, and give yourself to reading. It will help you move from being anxious to arouse….it all starts from the mind so, get your mind renewed. When you get intimate with your spouse, you create memories and good feelings together that will spill over into other areas of your marriage

Trust mismanagement: It is true that we all want that spouse in our lives that we can trust, confide in, and turn to when life gets tough. That spouse who not only appreciate our gifts but who is also fully aware of our flaws and failures and want to be with us anyway. We all are made for connection. We need to constantly and intentionally develop this connection with our spouse. This is what lifelong relationship stands for.

Trust is earned.  Trusting your spouse require you place your dependence on him/her because marriage is established as a covenant, not a contract. 

Once your spouse stops trusting you which could be as a result of so many factors, then you become unwanted. When your spouse can not confide in you, you’re unwanted. If your spouse can not confess to you some stuff he’d been wrestling through, you’re unwanted.  If when going through humbling circumstances you’re not there to support or encourage, you can’t be trusted and so you’re unwanted. When you start keeping secret, the trust issue is creeping in gradually.

It may feel like your lifelong relationship, which was perfectly clean when you first got together, has now been tainted with bad experiences, fights, lying, deceit, betrayal, and mistrust, If not resolved, can lead to actions (extreme jealousy, verbal abuse, and cheating/affairs) which can then trigger resentment or unwanted separation.

The good news is that there is a way to wipe the slate clean- Forgiveness.

Let go of the past and start fresh. So you can regain each other’s respect and trust again… and really connect again to that attraction and love that brought you together in the first place.

Will it be easy? No.

But if you are willing and obedient, if you can trust the process, unlearn to relearn; willing to see beyond your failure or the failure of your spouse, invite God into the situation, and then you can make it happen.

Article Categories:
Couples

Nike Adigun, The Pre-marriage Educator is a career HR generalist. She is also the founder & CEO of MyNaked, a game changer place for Marriage Education. Nike Adigun is a certified HR practitioner, Emotional Intelligence Performer, Relationship Assessment Facilitator and also a certified Marriage Mentor. She is passionate about God, family and giving couples a smart start in building a solid marriage relationship in a godly way. She is happily married to the crown on her head.

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