Mar 28, 2019
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Before I Do (Part 1)

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Love is a decision so also, is commitment.

Starting a cause you can’t finish is not worth the stress. If you are not ready to commit to marriage, please don’t start a relationship. It is not the kind of commitment to be made in the heat of the moment but rather in the light of day and after serious thought.

Wedding vows are no joke!!! Marriage is more than saying the vows on the wedding day. If you aren’t ready to commit, do not say it.

It is clear that Preparing for a wedding is not equivalent to being prepared for marriage. Hence, a conversation like this is needed. During the courting period, we sometimes overlook some important areas of our lives that should be considered. Sometimes, due to the high level of romance, our eyes are veiled from seeing some things clearly.

I know a lot of information is out there. Nevertheless, we need to constantly remind ourselves of things that should be done before we walk down the aisle. To some people, it is their first time of hearing; while to some, it’s a refresher course which could be that action has not been taken.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a session with a lady concerning her relationship. Due to the criticality of their union, I had to do a background check on the partner to really know his kind of person.  He came clean and their wedding is happening in a few days now. An open mind is what it takes when seeking premarital counsel.

My pastor once said something about the young having the head of the old so they don’t make mistakes the old made. This is because it would have been too late by the time the young will realize his/her mistakes.

As you read on, keep an open mind, you might just be saving your marriage before it begins.

What are you saying I do to? Lifelong love; that is a marriage between a man and a woman.

What then is marriage? Is the act of uniting a man and a woman for life; the most intimate of all human relationships; a relationship of self-giving of one human being to another. 

Who institutionalized marriage? GOD. He established marriage as a covenant, not a contract. It was the first human institution established by God. Marriage is exclusive!

The marriage covenant was ordained by God to provide believers with a picture of Christ’s love and relationship with His church.

Since it is God that laid the foundation, can you build on it without Him? No! He has the manufacturing guide.

“Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it”.

Quite a number of people today desire to stay in God’s plan or see it manifest but are not seeking to know what His intention is for them concerning marriage. Some go to God with the specification of who they want as if God is the recruiter and we are the employer of labor.

Qualities and specification may change few months down the road, then what? Separation? Endurance as against enjoyment? Abuse? Divorce?

God is not your recruiter, stop the people specification stuff.

A young lady came to me today and told me why she has not been able to make up her mind with who to say yes to because none is close to her specs. I then shared a story of my father-in-law who has been in the wheelchair for 40years now. If my mother in law’s specs then was; a tall man with sexy legs and suddenly the accident happened, would she have stayed? Ponder on this.

Before you say I do, understand that you need the God factor, you factor and your spouse factor. These constitute the cord of three strands that is not quickly broken.

Now that you know the God factor which should be at the center of everything, let’s talk about the “you” factor.

Wisdom dictates that before you embark on any project or journey, you sit to count the cost. There are fundamental things that must be considered before saying I do.

Take, for instance, a secondary school leaver planning to get into the higher institute of learning will have to know the course he/she wants to study, consider his/her strength, capacity, what he/she wants to become in life, and consider the cost of study as well.

Then purchase the entrance form, prepare for the exam, write the exam and pass before he is considered for admission into that institution.

Same way because of your uniqueness, you will have to know your capacity/strengths/weaknesses/what you want to become in life/discover yourself/know what makes you happy/your values/goals/vision.

Simply because marriage was never designed to make an individual happy, an individual needs to work on making their marriage happy.

Marriage will not complete you, you have to be a complete person (not perfect) before saying I do. When two complete beings come together, they complement each other. In other words, they are both complete but are made better with each other.

Before I DO calls for awareness of self. Identification or definition of your values is one of the steps of self-awareness.

There can be a clash of values not a clash of people (values clash not the people involved). Once you start saying; I can’t, I don’t; your values are speaking. The question is what are your “I can’t or I don’t “? Can they be compromised?

Part of self-awareness is to know your genotype; you don’t want to be caught in the web of you raising SS. Your proclaimed love, faith, trust, will be tested. I once met a dating couple and both were AS. After hearing their love story, I could tell they were in love. However, I couldn’t see the two of them getting married based on some other reasons and majorly their AS status.

My work is not to break the relationship but rather to help see your love life in a perspective you would never have seen it by yourself alone.

What did I do? Took them to watch a movie centered on SS alongside with my husband and another friend. That was how they mutually dissolved their relationship. They became aware of what could happen, they found out their strength couldn’t match the challenge ahead of them.

Self- awareness will unfold your strength, weakness, what you are doing, what you want, and what to change. You will see yourself, admit your weakness, seek for how to improve yourself, understand your own needs, desires, failings, habits, and everything else that makes you tick. The more you know about yourself, the better you are at adjusting to life variations that suit your needs.

If you are not aware of yourself, how will you empathize with your spouse? Knowledge of self is key in self-management or controlling your emotions in the face of challenges. Awareness is curative.

Discovering yourself will also help in having a goal/vision first for yourself and for the family you are about setting up.

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Nike Adigun, The Pre-marriage Educator is a career HR generalist. She is also the founder & CEO of MyNaked, a game changer place for Marriage Education. Nike Adigun is a certified HR practitioner, Emotional Intelligence Performer, Relationship Assessment Facilitator and also a certified Marriage Mentor. She is passionate about God, family and giving couples a smart start in building a solid marriage relationship in a godly way. She is happily married to the crown on her head.

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